Trying Not to Love You
by ShotgunRedneck
Summary: Raph's feelings for Leo make it hard for him. Mikey cares for Raph. Leo is clueless. A songfic made for orangebarmy! Song is by Nickelback


_**This is the commission for orangebarmy!**_

_**Title: Trying Not to Love You**_

_**Warnings: Mild Turtlecest. Kissing Turtles**_

_**Song: Trying Not to Love You – Nickelback**_

_**Disclaimer: I do NOT own TMNT nor do I own the song!**_

_**~~~Trying not to Love You~~~**_

_You call to me...and I fall at your feet_

_How could anyone ask for more?_

Raph hit the ground running as he made his way to Leo. His brother called his cell and said that he needed him. So, being who he was, Raph went to see if Leo was okay. He turned a corner to see the blue banded turtle sitting on the edge of a dock. Leo turned his head and threw a smile...

_And our time apart...like knives in my heart_

_How could anyone ask fro more?_

Raph looked across his city, pain in his heart. Leo had left to go train under Splinter's orders. But it seemed that instead of only being gone for one year, the Fearless leader decided to continue to be gone. And it was like someone was stabbing him in the heart with every day, with every breath. A scream ripped through the night and brought the red banded turtle out of his thoughts. "Well," he turned on the lights to his helmet, "looks like it's time to hit the grind."

Jumping down, the Nightwatcher went to defend the innocent...

_But if there's a pill_

_to help me forget_

_God knows I haven't found it yet_

_but I'm dying to_

_God I'm trying to 'cause_

Raph slammed the bottle down. He stood in the adjacent bathroom to his bedroom. He had decided to try to forget his emotions that he felt for Leo using alcohol. Why? For there wasn't any medication that could make him forget. Lord knows he tried finding one. The only thing that seemed to help was alcohol. But, it only helped for as long as he was drunk. Raph looked at the beer bottle that was half-empty and covered his tired amber eyes with his other hand...

_Trying not to love you_

_Only goes so far_

The emerald green turtle punched his torn up punching bag. Leo was practicing his katas behind him and Raph was trying to ignore him. For if Raph ignored the older turtle, then the red banded turtle's feelings wouldn't swell as much as they did. Don called into the dojo, saying that he and Mikey were going to watch a movie and the purple banded ninja wanted to know if the eldest turtles wanted to join.

"Yeah. Sounds like fun. You coming Raph?" the leaf green turtle sheathed his katanas and looked at his hot headed brother. The taller turtle didn't turn from his bag.

"Sure, give me a few will ya?"

Leo shrugged and left with his younger brother. Neither one of them saw Raph stop punching bag. He gripped it, resting his forehead against the worn material and let some tears fall...

_And trying not to need you_

_is tearing me apart_

Raph ran with his brothers on one of their usual rounds. He ran a bit behind Leo, looking at his shell. He glanced to the scar on his carapace, the one made by the Shredder. It was familiar to the red banded ninja and it reminded him that Leo didn't need Raph to protect him and vice a versa. Raph swallowed and continued patrolling with his brothers, unaware of the baby blue eyes resting on his own shell...

_Can't see the silver lining_

_from down here on the floor_

Raph paced his room. In his hand was an almost full bottle of vodka. He didn't think his family noticed that he had switched from beer to the stronger drinks but he was still careful. He thought of the perks of being in a relationship with Leo in his head as he paced. So far, there had been barely any. Sighing, her rested against the wall before sinking to the floor. Taking a swig of the Russian water, he pulled his knees to his chest. The silver lining of loving Leo? What silver lining...

_And I just keep on trying_

_But I don't know what for_

Dodging a kick, Raph punched Leo in the gut. The leaf green turtle coughed as the large fist planted itself into his solar plexus. He groaned and slung out his other leg. Which, said log was caught. Raph slung Leo around like a rag doll and the eldest turtle hit the mats, hard. But before the blue banded leader could even move, he was pinned to the mat by his larger brother. They panted as they stared at each other, breaking away when their sensei spoke.

"Enough my sons. You did well Raphael."

Leo got up and bumped his younger brother on the shoulder. "Yeah. If you could control that temper of yours, you could just maybe give me a run for my money."

Raph just grinned, masking the pain and confusion in his heart...

_'Cause trying not to love you_

_only makes me love you more_

Raph exited the garage, passing the living room. He glanced over to see two of his brothers in the room. It was Leo and Don. The tallest Hamato felt his heart swell with pain as he looked at them. Don was laughing with Leo and they didn't even acknowledge Raph as they watched Robin Williams on the TV. The amber eyed male turned away and made his way to his room. During all this, a younger turtle watched him, pain in his own eyes...

_And this kind of __pain...__only time takes away _

_That's why it's harder to let you go _

Running across the roof tops, Raph couldn't help but think of his love of Leo. He still hadn't said anything to the eldest turtle, for the hot head knew that time would be on his side. And why hadn't Raph said anything? Well, he couldn't help but notice the looks the fearless leader was giving Don. And it caused so much pain to Raph but the thing was, his love for Leo grew...

_And nothing I can do...without thinking of you_

_That's why it's harder to let you go_

Raph roared as he fought against the Purple Dragons. He had been out on a run by himself and had found some Dragon Thugs who needed their heads busted in. But as he fought (okay, beat them 10 ways till Sunday) he couldn't but help think of Leo. And on how he would have taken care of the thugs in a better manner. He closed his eyes and focused on the fight at hand, pushing all thoughts of Leo away. But deep down, he knew it would be hard to forget it...

_But if there's a pill_

_to help me forget_

_God knows I haven't found it yet_

_but I'm dying to_

_God I'm trying to 'cause_

Gulping down as much vodka as he could, Raph slammed the bottle down on his desk. He panted as he gripped the edges of the wooden desk. Today had been extremely rough for the hot head. It seemed that Leo's doe eyes to Don were being returned. How? Well, during practice, Raph noticed Don making the same eyes to the leader. And it made the red banded turtle's heart ache with a pain he had never felt before. He looked at the bottle of alcohol and grabbed it. Drinking from it, he couldn't help but try to forget the feeling of pain and betrayal...

_Trying not to love you_

_Only goes so far_

Raph looked across the kitchen, seeing his brothers being themselves. Only, there was something different. What was the different thing? Leo and Don seemed a bit more closer than usual and it also seemed that Raph was the only one who noticed. Not even saying anything to his brothers, the emerald turtle got up and placed his bowl in the sink. As he left, a pair of baby blue eyes watched him...

_And trying not to need you_

_is tearing me apart_

Hitting the ground hard, the strongest turtle moved quickly. He had gotten into another fight with Leo and this one was a lot different than any of their previous fights. Why? Well, it seemed that Leo thought that Raph needed someone to go with him on a quick run topside and that person should be him. Cause he said that Raph NEEDED someone to watch him. Which of course, pissed off the hot head. For Raphael Hamato was a fully trained ninja. He did not need a baby sitter! But, at the same time, it would have gotten the mad turtle some alone time with his crush. He shook his head and continued on to Casey's. Raph didn't need Leo, as much as his heart said he did...

_Can't see the silver lining_

_from down here on the floor_

Raph paced his room again. Three empty bottles of whiskey littered the floor near his desk. Today, he began to think on why he loved Leo and what exactly would a relationship be like with the fearless leader. What he discovered did not agree with his heart. It would be more painful to continue these feelings for Leo more than anything else. He stopped in front of the full length mirror he kept in his room. He looked at it before slamming his fist in it. The reflective glass shattered on impact. Panting, he stood in front of the pile of broken glass. He looked at the wall before falling to the ground. He felt tears tickle his eyes and heard someone enter his room. Looking up, he saw Mikey running towards him.

"Raph? What in the shell are you doing?!" asked the youngest turtle.

"Mikey...I..." whispered Raph. He wanted to explain why he broke the mirror but no words came out.

His baby brother sighed and quickly went to Raph's bathroom. After several minutes, he returned to the red banded ninja with medical supplies. Using tweezers, the sea green turtle removed the glass that was still embedded within emerald flesh. After that, Mikey went and began to clean the cuts. Raph could see the smaller hands were shaking somewhat as their owner fixed his own larger hands. Neither one of them spoke but once Raph's hands were cleaned and wrapped, Mikey looked at his second eldest brother.

Amber eyes bored into blue. Raph rested his forehead against Mikey's collarbone, inhaling the scent of his baby brother. Tears began to fall then and he couldn't stop. The orange banded ninja went and cradled the older mutant in his arms, his own tears falling from his face...

_And I just keep on trying_

_But I don't know what for_

Swearing, Raph dropped the hot pot in the sink. Both Mikey and Raph went on a run to April's to go grab some more supplies. When they came back, it seemed that Leo went to make a small bowl of ramen. Well, what the two brightly banded turtles saw in the kitchen made them go "WTF?"

Apparently, Leo had SOMEHOW caught Mikey's favorite stock pot on fire. Which proceeded to try to take the kitchen down with it. So, Mikey was with Leo and they tried to put out the fire while Raph took care of the burning pot. Once that situation was taken care of, Raph couldn't help but say, "Damn Leo, that is one way to tell us to cook."

Mikey laughed but their eldest brother just glared at them. And once again, Raph masked his pain with a cheeky grin...

_'Cause trying not to love you_

_only makes me love you more_

The emerald skinned male rested on the couch near Leo. All of them were watching "Mrs. Doubtfire" cause Mikey had insisted that Robin Williams was funnier in this movie than any other ones he starred in. The rest of the turtles claimed bull shit, so, here they all were. Watching the movie. Raph glanced out of the corner of his eyes and saw his crush laughing at the movie. It tugged at his heart strings that Leo almost never laughed at Raph's jokes but he always laughed at Don's. Closing his eyes, he closed off his heart, hoping to stop from loving Leo more...

_So I sit here divided...just talking to myself _

Raph sat on the roof of the building across the street from April's. Inside, he could see his friends and family. Casey was laughing as April rubbed her very pregnant belly. Splinter rested in his designated chair as he sipped his tea. Raph felt divided as he watched them. For he knew that deep down, he did not belong there...

_Was it something that I did?_

Looking up at the night sky, the ninja turtle couldn't help but think that it was something he did that caused Leo to just skip him in the relationship bar and mosey on. But what he did exactly, Raph didn't know...

_Was there somebody else?_

He looked back at April's apartment to see Leo and Don sitting on the sofa next to April. They were holding hands and Leo kissed the purple banded ninja on the cheek. Raph gritted his teeth and felt like crying. He had missed his chance at loving Leo and it was tearing him up inside. Tears escaped his pain filled eyes as he watched the male he loved break his heart...

_When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears  
Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear_

A voice from behind him made Raph turn. Walking towards him was Mikey. He plopped down beside his older brother and rested his cheek on the strong shoulder. Without even looking at Raph, the sea green turtle whispered, "I've been needing, no dying to tell you this. I love you Raphael."

_That trying not to love you, only went so far  
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart _

Raph turned his head so fast it was a miracle he didn't break it. Staring up at him were the most honest blue eyes he had ever seen on Mikey. His baby brother continued, still whispering.

"Oh I tried not to, but it was killing me. Also kept telling myself that I didn't need you, I could survive with out it. But oh, it was too painful." He looked at his fists, which were gripping the ledge of the building they were sitting on.

_Now I see the silver lining_

_from what we're fighting for _

"But," here he looked back up at the man he loved, "there are good parts to this. The silver lining if you will. We have over come a shell of a lot more. Not speaking my emotions was what was killing me and I would have lost my chance if I didn't speak up. There are other perks but the biggest one, and the best one in my opinion, is the fact that I get to love you. And, maybe, just maybe you love my back."

_We just keep on trying_

_we could be much more_

Raph stared at his baby brother before looking back at his friend's apartment. Leo and Don were laughing, holding hands. Looking away, he returned his golden gaze to the smaller turtle sitting next to him. He stared at his baby brother, thinking on what Michelangelo had said. His amber eyes met Mikey's baby blue ones and what Raph saw in them was something had been seeing in his own eyes for years. Love. Dedication. He chuckled and closed his eyes.

In his mind's eyes, he could see him and Mikey lasting forever and a day. Without even opening his eyes, he leaned over and kissed the orange banded ninja on the lips. They stayed that way for a while, until Mikey broke the kiss.

He smiled at his lover and both of them stood. Raph felt years of pain and suffering melt away as he grasped Mikey's hand. Taking the first steps together made the taller turtle feel like this was the best choice in his life. For loving Leo was nothing but pain. But, Raph had a feeling that loving Mikey would be the complete opposite...

_'Cause trying not to love you  
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more  
Only makes me love you more..._

_**~~~Trying Not to Love You~~~**_

End

_**I know a bit short and a oneshot but hey! I gots it! X333 Sorry orangebarmy! I tried drawing it but it wouldn't work, so I wrote it out! Hope you like it!**_


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